Growing Up
Growing up is part of life. It is a process whereby everyone has to go through, a process which I had been trying to escape.
I’m afraid of growing up.
As I getting older, there are more secrets and problems in my life. Secrets in life that I can’t even tell my close one because I guess that would cause big disappointment to them. I regretted doing some stuff I shouldn’t be doing right now, and also doing something that is against the ‘human nature’. Sound serious, and in actual fact, it is very serious.
Regretted is one thing, how to overcome the disturbing feeling is another. From time to time, there is this disturbing feeling which makes me feel very bad about the stuff I did, about the things I did which went against the ‘human nature’. I tried to stop thinking about all these, but I couldn’t stop the feeling coming back.
Beside the biggest secret in my life, problems came into the picture of my life. Problems which I had a hard time solving them, problems which affected my life and my emotion. Teachers had been a great help by being a great listener of my problems, but yet these doesn’t solve the problems I am facing. I wish I have the power to solve all problems. But I guess that would never happen.
As I get into a new stage of life, I scare of meeting new group of people, in a new environment. Sometimes I even wish I could stop the time, remain what it is and never go on. I am afraid I cannot cope with my life once I entered the new stage of life. Examples; higher education, work, family, National Service, and much more. And as life is getting more stress, I couldn’t breath. I’m afraid that I couldn’t meet my goals and get the life I want.
One of my friend who just older than me one year old now already preparing to go university, and more and more people asking me about my O level. What the hell, I’m still waiting for O level! Really quite ashamed about this.
After studying, soon I would be enlisted to National Service. As much as I said that I really looking forward to this National Service, I am afraid that I couldn’t adapted the life of National Service. I couldn’t take the vagaries that those commandos would use. I am afraid that this National Service would affect my life now and further.
We have to face it, as time is ticking, we are growing. How to face it? I really don’t know. I am really, really afraid to grow up.
Can I don’t grow up?
Cockroach//蟑螂 on January 6th 2008 in Words from Cockroach
